"I always wanted to be on stage,
and I always wanted to be on Broadway starring in Guys And Dolls."

Paul throwing himself into the part for MY FAIR LADY.

I believe it has one of the finest scores ever written. Frank Loesser wrote it, starting with "Fugue For Tinhorns" (I got the horse right here — his name is Paul Revere...) to the sublime "Sit Down Your'e Rocking The Boat" (Ah! The wonderful Stubby Kaye). Not forgetting "Adelaide", "If I Were A Bell", "Sue Me"and, of course, "The Oldest Established Floating Crap Game In New York".

I simply had to go to New York (I did and I was mugged!), play in a crap game (I did and I lost!), eat cheese cake at Lindy's (Had three pieces and was sick!) and sing "Luck Be A Lady" on Broadway.......... Cos who the hell cast Brando as Sky Masterson !!!! Jeez that was Sinatra's part or mine!

But apart from that monumental miscasting, it was still a great movie and I did get to appear on stage in a production of Guys and Dolls' Opening night at Wakefield Theatre Royal. I am playing the part of "Harry the Horse" — a part that suited my equine features. I have one line ...... "Guess whose in town? Nathan Detroit". This was to be my first foot on the ladder of success. I make my entrance, glance at the front row to see family and fellow packsters then confidently speak my line. "Guess whose in Detroit ? Nathan Detown"...........!!!!!!

Well maybe it ain't my role, but it sure the hell ain't Brando's.

After my disasterous experience in Guys and Dolls, it was along time before I was offered any more speaking parts, and I found myself doomed to playing the silent policeman (A part I've played 18 times!). This isn't because I play it well. It's because I am the only one who fits the uniform. Then out of the blue I get offered the part as a hard nosed reporter in the musical "The Music Man".

Now I only have one line, but it's crucial to the story......I simply have to say "Do you know the mayor owns an illegal pool hall and ice cream parlour?" Come the opening night, family and friends await in anticipation to see a star in the making — only to hear the words "Do you know the mayor owns an illegal poodle parlour" and while my heart sinks, all I can hear from the front row is the sound of my friends barking. So its back to the policeman's uniform (And those handcuffs do come in handy!).

Well take care.......Evening all.

Well I got my third chance at a speaking part in the musical "Half a Sixpence". Once again only one line, but if I say it myself, a line imperative to the plot . The play is set in Folkestone and I play a friend of Kips. My part is that of a local lad; a bit of a country bumpkin. Well this is perfect for me as I can do one of my famous accents. They're brilliant! Just ask the guys!... So to rehearse my role I use the "Method Technique" and for a month I talk and act like a village idiot. So successful is my role playing that no one ever suspected that I was acting — not even my wife!!

Once again it's opening night and I still am in character and not even the rest of the cast have noticed. "I am the country bumpkin "; no longer acting it but living it! (Jeez! I am working with such amatuers.) Well the time comes to say my line; a line to be delivered in my best country yokel accent. This is the part where the love of Master Kips life walks by and drops her handkerchief. I pick it up, pass it to Kips and say "Er'e smell this handkerchief". But such was my concentration in getting the accent perfect, I blurted out "Er'e smell this finger"!!!...........Total collapse of Kips and total collapse of career.

My wife now says I can drop the accent and stop living the part; but I don't have the heart to tell her that I no longer am.....You see, she still believes in me.

Paul standing proudly in front of his life size statue outside his local theatre.


I am pleased to announce I am finally getting the chance to direct and star in my one man show, "I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)". This is a far darker show than my previous one... "Did I Shave my Legs for This?"

But I am sure you will like it. Here are the lyrics from the my soon to be released single:

"If the Phone Don't Ring, Baby It's Me"

I met her in a gay bar wrestlin' gators;
I can still recall the boxer shorts she wore;
She was smellin' kind of funny, but I loved her,
and I knew I'd have to scrape her off the floor;
She asked me if I'd swear off booze forever;
She said to me she loved my one blue eye;
But who'd have thought she'd sky dive with no clothes on;
She told her fat friend Grace to say goodbye.

Also I am working with Sammy on a his new musical, "Come out of the Cornfield, Joanie, you're going against the grain"............... This is certainly going to be spectacular.

So watch this space for Touring dates.