Golfing With Cows

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball — stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

An Interesting Golf Game

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch.

She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine." he replies quietly, hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly
and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb still hurts like hell!"


Husband & Wife Golf Lessons

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" Asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway. The next day the wife
goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "No, no, no, You're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet.

"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."


Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter!

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold on...I need to wash my balls first.


Golf Thoughts


The chairman taught me everything I know about golf... Well he told me to say that.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly, or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.


The Rules of Bedroom Golf:


Dino was always a sore loser at golf


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied
play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival.
Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.


Practice Strokes For A Perfect Drive

Two male golfers are standing on the 10th tee. Bill takes about 20 practice swings, changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes his stance just as much.

"Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heaven's sake. We don't have all day!" says Jim.

"Hold on a minute, I gotta do this right. See the woman standing up there on the clubhouse porch? That's my wife and I would like to get off the perfect shot," replied Bill.

Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bill's wife. He says, "You must be kidding. You couldn't hit her from here."


Blind Golf


"Sammy would rather play around than play a round of golf !"

A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slowgroup of golfers.

GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(Silence!)

PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?


Golfer Vs. Skydiver

What is the difference between a crappy golfer and a crappy
skydiver?

A crappy golfer goes "WHACK, dammit!"

A crappy skydiver goes "Dammit, WHACK!"


Golf Balls

There was a man who was playing golf and put three golf balls in
his pocket. When another man came up and asked him what was in
his pocket, the first guy said, "Golf balls." Then the second guy
asked, "Is that like tennis elbow?"


Joey's Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

1, Choice of public or private courses

2, Lessons are available.

3, If you're good you can turn pro and do it full time.

4, Can clean balls at every hole.

5, Choice of wood or graphite.

6, The less strokes the better.

7, If you lose a ball, you still have two left.

8, Threesomes and foursomes happen all the time.

9, Can pick the size of your shaft.

10, Every hole is well groomed and manicured.


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