A man staggers
into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly
around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this,"
said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when
she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my
wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's
when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like
Interesting Golf Game
women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally
slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one
of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch.
She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a
physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine." he replies
quietly, hands still between his legs.
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly
starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she
"Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb
still hurts like hell!"
& Wife Golf Lessons
husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing
as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" Asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd
hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250
yards straight down the fairway. The next day the wife
goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "No,
no, no, You're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP.
The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet.
"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take
the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."
10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter!
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold on...I need to wash my balls first.
chairman taught me everything I know about golf... Well he told
me to say that.
primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled,
was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work
to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice
constantly, or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging,
and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count,
criticize, or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front
of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen
holes, and return with three enemies.
Rules of Bedroom Golf:
was always a sore loser at golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.
Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage
to the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
owner is satisfied play
is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special
attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all
times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means
of play when this is the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly
when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been
known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they
considered a private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes,
which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting
to play the backside.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
Strokes For A Perfect Drive
male golfers are standing on the 10th tee. Bill takes about 20 practice
swings, changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes his stance just as
"Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heaven's sake. We don't have
all day!" says Jim.
"Hold on a minute, I gotta do this right. See the woman standing
up there on the clubhouse porch? That's my wife and I would like to get
off the perfect shot," replied Bill.
Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bill's wife. He says, "You
must be kidding. You couldn't hit her from here."
would rather play around than play a round of golf !"
A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slowgroup of golfers.
GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow aren't they?
GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here
anytime free of charge!
PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them.
GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?
is the difference between a crappy golfer and a crappy
A crappy golfer goes "WHACK, dammit!"
A crappy skydiver goes "Dammit, WHACK!"
was a man who was playing golf and put three golf balls in
his pocket. When another man came up and asked him what was in
his pocket, the first guy said, "Golf balls." Then the second guy
asked, "Is that like tennis elbow?"
Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
Choice of public or private courses
Lessons are available.
If you're good you can turn pro and do it full time.
Can clean balls at every hole.
Choice of wood or graphite.
The less strokes the better.
If you lose a ball, you still have two left.
Threesomes and foursomes happen all the time.
Can pick the size of your shaft.
Every hole is well groomed and manicured.